Gratitude List: 36 Wonderful Things for 36 Wonderful Years

Birthdays are one of my favorite things. They are a day that marks rebirth, renewal and staring over. It’s a time to reflect on the past year and look ahead to the next year of this great life. I think it’s more important than New Years or any other momentous holiday, for it is a celebration of the unique day, time, and place of your birth.

For my birthday this year, I decided to reflect on 36 things that I am grateful for. At first, I thought, “I don’t know if I can find 36 unique things. That just seems like a lot!”…and then I had to stop writing as I had more than 36 things that I have found gratitude for in my life. So here it is.

I am grateful for…(in no particular order)

1. That I have walked this planet for 36 years in great health.

2. My growing relationship with my sister, Jackie, who teaches me more than I think she realizes; who lives life to its fullest, and who inspires me to dream.

3. Reconnecting with my father whom I’ve had an estranged relationship with throughout the years. He reminds me that people can change and we are capable to forgive.

4. My grandfather who taught me the most important lesson, giving and receiving love are our greatest gifts in life and we should always be doing just this.

5. Every heartache, for it has taught me that even through heartache and heartbreak, I am willing to open my heart up again to love and be loved. I have a fearless and bountiful heart.

6. My mother, who while has her own troubles, gave me all that she could and did her very best to love me and provide for me. I can’t imagine that being a single mother is an easy job and she did it as best as she could. She always exposed me to new adventures, new food, and new experiences.

7. My yoga group– Erica, Patrick, Mario and our mentor Brima. We had a very special bond through a transformational time in all of our lives. We grew with each other, learned from each other, and supported each other to blossom into the great beings we are today.

8. My yoga mentor, Brima, who helped me see my own beautiful light and encouraged me to shine.

9. My very dear friend Darren who dares greatly despite all of life’s challenges. Who shows me what it means to live courageously in this sometimes cruel world.

10. Flowers—they bring brightness to the day and are a reminder that we can blossom after the darkness of winter.

11. My soul sister, Stefanie, who when I graduated college gave me a small reminder that still sits on my desk to this day, a 3 inch by 3 inch plaque that says “I believe in you” to remind me on those tough days and that there are people out there rooting for me.

12. My aunt Leah, who had a direct conversation with me at the age of 15 that education was my way of getting out, of living. I was on the verge of giving up and dropping out. That moment changed my life forever.

13. My grandmother who taught me that sometimes you just need to have a chocolate dipped cone on a hot day, or any day rather.

14. Reconnecting with family who I’ve lost touch with. This has been a reminder of how important family is to me, regardless of how nontraditional of a family I have.

15. My cat Ollie. He shows me unconditional love and despite being a pain in the ass and slightly overweight, he gives me cuddles and kisses when I need it most.

16. LeaderShape, for it has given me the space to connect with my values, live in my truth, and live in possibility.

17. My dear friends who have supported me, particularly over the last 8 months, through one of the most difficult times in my life where I have lost love and family. I am evermore grateful for them as they have truly reminded me of my own resilience.

18. Growing up in an alcoholic and addict family with domestic violence and abuse. While difficult, trying, and sometimes miserable, it has given me strength and forced me to overcome the greatest challenges.

19. Alanon, a fellowship that has helped me grow as an individual, connected me to people who have experienced the family disease of alcoholism, and allowed me the opportunity to find gratitude in the disease.

20. My yoga practice has invited me to become my true self. To shine my light bright. To share my full self with the world without being afraid. To be with my self. To connect with my inner sense. To be my authentic self.

21. My life in San Francisco for I have lived the intention I set—to live life to its fullest. To fully realize and live the life I always imagined. I am doing just that. Each city has been a new chapter in my life and San Francisco has certainly been a great chapter!

22. My one hour commute by train to work for I am able to take the time to read, meditate, and center myself. I see parts of the Bay Area I wouldn’t if I had a car and drove.

23. Pearl Jam. Eddie Vedder’s lyrics and that band got me through those difficult teenage years. I felt like the music was written for me and felt a deep connection to many of their messages. I could release the pent up anger, the pent up sadness, the pent up unworthiness, the pent up despair. I felt like I wasn’t alone in a time when I felt very alone.

24. My gift and love of writing. I’m able to express the truest sense of myself and tap into a creative world where I can explore my innermost thoughts, desires, and troubles.

25. Late nights at the ocean. Whenever I go to my home town of Pompano Beach, I love to go to the beach at night and listen to the waves crash and see the moon shine bright against the water. My heart feels at peace and my mind quiets. I feel like I am truly at home.

26. My grandma Luellen. She is one of the strongest, bravest women I know. I recently got to experience and know this admirable characteristic she holds. 27. A hot cuppa tea. Not only does it provide warmth on a cold evening or day, it soothes my soul, inspires me to write, and allows me to slow down to reflect.

28. My desire to learn and my general sense of curiosity, for without it I wouldn’t have the urge to travel, to have thoughtful conversation, or to learn new things and hobbies.

29. Knitting. It has taught me about imperfection, slowing down and the gift of moving meditation.

30. Sunrises and sunsets. They happen every where and are a reminder that each day begins with brightness and ends with brightness.

31. Sharing a delicious meal with good friends. I don’t have to say much more than that.

32. My name, which my parents gave me. It’s uniquness has challenged me to speak up, to challenge assumptions, and to live out the little fiery one I am meant to be.

33. My Pilot House family. Living in the Pilot House in Gainesville, FL during college helped me to find community and be connected to an amazing network of women who empowered me to be the woman I am today.

34. My job. For it allows me to connect with my passion for justice and empowering young adults to live to their full potential.

35. My love of cooking. Cooking for me is meditative and an opportunity for me to express love to others. Cooking a good meal for someone else is one of my greatest joys.

36. This life I have lived so far. While it has presented some of the greatest challenges, I am grateful for every trying, tribulation one. It has taught me of my own strength and the ability to overcome and be resilient.

Spring Clearing

Last week was a doozy and Friday in particular. If you were feeling super charged and wacky (as was I) and if you have any doubt in why you were feeling that way, there is some astronomical science to it. It was a new moon, Spring Equinox, and an eclipse. Spring is always a time where I feel the need to clean and clear out all the dust (physical and metaphorical) that has collected over the fall and winter months. And it’s always this time of year when I start feeling the itch to feel the warmth of the sun and see colorful flowers blooming. The sun is out a little longer and I feel a little more energy by looking around at how nature has changed over time. When that starts to happen, my heart begins to soften and a beam shines out from within.

I spent my Sunday morning in my backyard taking in the spring flowers that had blossomed as I sat under the wisteria-encased gazebo. I took a moment to listen to the birds chirp, to feel the sun warm my skin and to look around at what had changed over the course of the winter months. I hadn’t been in my backyard in quite some time, mostly because I’ve been travelling a lot and I’m not a big fan of sitting out in the cold (granted it only gets about 50-60 degrees F). Taking that moment to see how nature has changed over such a short period of time, yet it has returned where it always was, year after year, season after season was a reminder of the flow of my own life. The wisteria always blooms over the gazebo around this time. The garden always looks a little greener and the the leaves always begin to grow back on barren trees. I often forget this process year after year and yearn for this moment in a state of forgetfulness that is always happens. As I think about my own life and the dormancy of the winter, I remember that I have my own flow. The darkness of winter is soon passing and I am beginning to blossom again. To take in what the past 4 months have offered me– the post-yoga school, post-holidays, post-funeral, post-breakup to a new space and a new clearing. This inspired me to take some action and clear out some things in my house. To do some Spring Cleaning and Spring Clearing. I spent most of my day and evening reorganizing my space, cleaning the nooks and crannies of my apartment, putting new pictures in frames, and getting rid of what no longer serves me. I then burned some sage to cleanse my home after this clearing out and spring cleaning. I had never done this before and honestly always gave people a look when I heard of them doing this. However, after doing so, I felt a sense of clarity, of peace. I had a restful sleep that night and upon awaking this morning, that clarity of mind continued. As I walked around my apartment to get ready for the day, it was uplifting to feel the effects of my spring clearing. To know that I had rid of items and felt no attachment. To reorganize and see no clutter. To brighten up my living space so it truly felt like a space of aliveness.

Much of this spring clearing has to do with our mental capacity to let go and make room for something new. To make the decision that something needs to change. Often times, we (and I’m including myself in the “we”), are afraid to change or are in denial. Once we have awareness, we can no longer be ignorant. We must accept this need for change and then take action. In only taking action, in changing our behavior can we truly move forward and find peace. Take the opportunity to clear some space. Make room for something new in your life.

Quote by C.S. Lewis

Childlike Curiosity and Wonder: In Memoriam to My Grandfather

The other day I was going downtown and traveling by street car in San Francisco. I was lugging around many things on my way into work and my mind was preoccupied with the troubles of my current day. My grandfather had just gone into hospice care, I had a big event at work that had all the little details to address and I was consumed with the regular and not-so regular tribulations of life.  Two young children got on the street car with such excitement and were followed by what appeared to be their grandparents. Their eyes were glittering with wonder as they looked out of the streetcar, gazing up at the tall buildings we passed by. Their smiles were wider than the Mississippi, each corner reaching for their ears with a dimple marking their extraordinary joy. I gazed over at them and began to smile, thinking about what that feeling was like when I was a child. The excitement I got from such simple things as riding on a bus or a car, looking out at the great world around me, in awe of how much larger and bigger everything was from me. The world felt so giant and expansive at that time. Looking over at these two children, I smiled and filled with the same joy they experienced. My day’s and week’s troubles had dissipated from vicariously experiencing their childlike curiosity and wonder. They asked their grandparents about where they were going and what each building was, what each street was named and why. Their faces pressed up against the glass trying so desperately to look as close to the grand scene before them as the street car wheels rumbled against the tracks, with the “ring-ring” singing in the background to alert cars that this Awe and Wonder Wagon was barreling through the streets of San Francisco.

Watching these two young children reminded me of my own curiosity and wonder as a child. I spent many summers and school breaks with my grandfather. I would go on treks with him to the grocery store and felt like that store was bigger than life. I would gaze out from the passenger seat window of his car and ask him about the roads we took and where we were going and what was what as we travelled along. He worked for the city for some time opening buildings and community centers for group meetings. I would travel along with him and acted as his little assistant. Watching his every move and assisting him with the doors and checking the rooms. While it seemed like work for my grandpa, it was a fun adventure for me. Travelling from place to place, feeling like a grown-up, exploring the wonders of those seemingly boring community centers. To me it seemed like I was in my own world, on a treasure hunt through the city buildings he worked in, being a child full of curiosity and wonder.

My grandfather passed away this past weekend, which was a very sad day. He brought so much light to me as a child and throughout the years. He allowed and encouraged me to have curiosity and wonder with the world. He exposed me to life in ways I didn’t have the chance otherwise. He encouraged me to experience all of life and reminded me of the most important things– laughter, eating a delicious and hearty meal with family and good friends, and that giving and receiving love were one of the most important gifts we had.

When I visited or talked with my grandfather through my 20s and 30s, he would ask me every time about when I was going to get married. I would laugh yet deep down inside, I felt so uncomfortable. I felt like I was letting one of the men I admired most in my life down. That his little granddaughter wasn’t capable of receiving love. What I failed to realize, and only realized most recently, is that my grandfather was so proud of me, knew how beautiful and amazing of a woman I was, knew that I was more deserving of love than anyone else in the world. And what he wished so much for me, was for someone to see the same beautiful things in me as he saw in me. I didn’t realize this until most recently, in his final days, as I reflected on the love my grandfather expressed and demonstrated to me; the unconditional love my grandfather gave me in my 35 years. I always dreamed that I would be able to have my grandfather walk me down the aisle on my wedding day.  And while that can’t happen now, I know he will always be with me. His spirit lives within me and reminds me that I am more deserving of love than I ever realized or could have known until now. A reminder that at any age, I can experience the curiosity and wonder of a child, and see the world as an expansive flow of love that I am deserving of receiving.

Journey of Gratitude

Traveling by train invoke a sense of looking inward while also looking out at the scene around you. Taking the time to let go, release control and allow the conductor to direct the way. Much of life is like this in this way, except we often get in our own way thinking we are the sole conductors of our lives. There are so many facets to life, the push and pull of the universe, of each other.

Sunset along California coast by train

I rode by train down along the California coast from San Francisco to Santa Barbara. It was my first train ride alone, and definitely for that long of a ride (total of about 9 hours). It was one of the most beautiful rides I’ve seen of the California coast. My snack bag was packed full, knitting bag overflowing with several projects, and I had two books in hand. Little did I know the ride would give me the much needed opportunity to reflect on this past year and my life. This year has been one of the most trying, yet joyous years of my life. Granted there have been many trying, difficult, challenging moments, but this year was particularly challenging. I was challenged to act with self-love. To look deep within to see the beauty in myself. To own my greatness. To rise up to the warrior that lives within and has always been there. When I look back on this year, I’m amazed at all that has happened and am evermore grateful for the journey. While I have experienced much loss, I have gained so much.
The journey of gratitude is not one filled with rainbows and unicorns (well, maybe for some it is). Gratitude is about experiencing the deepest, darkest parts of our selves and this life and seeing the light. It’s about owning our “stuff”, unpacking the closets, reorganizing that kitchen drawer that piles up in our minds, clearing the path so we can walk freely once again. The backpack I’ve been carrying around has been filled with bricks of my heavy past. Putting it down, letting go and knowing that I can walk without it is exhilarating. And also scary. When you’ve learned to hold onto so much, it can be daunting to walk through the world exposed and vulnerable. Yet, in doing so is the only way we can move forward, the only way I can move forward. I pay homage to one of my gurus, a woman I look up to with deep gratitude and admiration, Brene Brown.

“Vulnerability is not about fear and disappointment. It is the birthplace of what we are hungry for.” ~Brene Brown 

We are all hungry to be seen. To be heard. To be loved. To be wanted. To live. To be happy. Without shedding our cloaks and masks and heavy bags of history, we will forever be hungry. Vulnerability creates an unfolding and uncovering. An opportunity to be reborn or reconnect with our true self.

In January, I set the intention that this would be a year of rebirth. Little did I know how it would unfold and truly become the rebirth I needed. I am grateful for every experience, both joyous and painful, for it has made me into the courageous, brave, daring woman I am today. Here’s to another year of gratitude in 2015!

Brene Brown Quote

Who Am I?

“Who am I?” is often a question I ask myself and I’m sure I’m not alone. We are asked this question in many forms…What do you do?, Where do you live?, What do you want to do with your life?, Where are you from?, and so on. These are always such uncomfortable questions for me to answer, mostly because of my rebellious nature and not wanting to be boxed into whatever assumptions people have about what I do for work, where I’m from, where I live, what my hobbies are, or what I think about the latest Scandal episode (which I don’t watch by the way). Often times when we enter into this game of questions about who our external selves are, the self that is associated with job, location, hobbies, it negates who we really are inside, our true Self, what drives us to get up each day and breathe in the air that is available to us. Sometimes we can get so consumed by the external self that we lose sight of who our internal self is. Anxiety and depression take over, feelings of unworthiness, helplessness, hopelessness, and a general feeling of being lost. When we’ve defined ourselves by external things, how we can ever really know who we are?

Well, I did a little meditation on the question, “Who Am I?”. Asking this question of myself over and over and over again, for about 15 minutes (but more like 15 years!). In all reality, this is a question that I’ve pondered for quite some time, especially in times of heartbreak, loss, confusion, our general life disorientation. I haven’t ever really been able to answer it. I’ve answered pieces of it, but never felt satisfied. Never felt settled about whatever answer I created. Until recently, when I’ve been on this journey of self-discovery and self-inquiry. My road through yoga school has given me the tools to explore this inner self. And I have to believe that I’ve experienced enough anguish and difficult life situations to fully come to terms with who I REALLY am, who my authentic, true self is outside of all of life’s glittery goodness and distressing disappointments. This morning after reading and doing a little meditation on the question “Who am I?”, I put pen to paper and wrote a little diddy. I hope you enjoy and maybe this will be a little motivation to look deeply within yourself, to see all that you are removing the external world and feeling the true beautiful self within.

Who am I?
A Poem By Keegan Mills

I am a spirit that is deeply passionate about life, who sees beauty in all beings.

I am the air that moves through the world witnessing all that it is has to offer—pain, sorrow, forgiveness, love, peace, violence, hate, trust, darkness, light, wholeness.

I am the flower that blossoms from the kisses of sunshine in the day and closes inward with the darkness of night, feeling the pulsating glow from the pale moonlight.

I am the ocean that rolls in and out, crashing on the shore and tickling the feet of young children.

I am the bird that soars above, witnessing the landscape change and evolve.

I am the mountain standing tall and firm amidst the storms of each season.

I am the gentle breeze that whispers love songs to the despaired.

I am the cloud that changes form and sprinkles tears of love throughout the earth.

I am the seed that yearns to grow into a great oak tree, thirsting for water and light.

I am the oak tree stretching tall and wide, feeling every bruise, every gash, every ounce of water and light that has brought me to this day.

I am love.

I am light.

I am me.

I am we.

I am us.

Finding Gratitude Even in the Darkest Times

The past three months has been a huge life change for me dealing with great loss. The grieving process can be similar to a roller coaster. Some days are good, some days are not so good. Some moments bring up intense emotions of sadness, other moments emotions of empowerment. During this time, I’ve tried to take each moment as it comes and allow it to be, to sit with the sadness, the longing, the heartache and to embrace the joy, the light, the possibility, the hope. My darkest moments have lamented on the dreams of my future, or the dreams I once had. I felt I was on a path in one direction, heading to a place of building a life with another, the possibility of creating a family, of having children of my own. Sadness and fear enveloped me as I realized this dream has been shattered, or at least deferred. Fear of never being able to open my heart to love again. Fear of not fulfilling my dream of being a mother. Fear of the uncertainty of the future. These feelings takeover instantly and I have felt powerless over them. In that moment of powerlessness, I’ve returned to a practice of noting gratitude. When I’ve been in my darkest moment, when these intense emotions have risen up and enveloped me, making me feel like I just want to draw the comfty covers over my head, crawl under my desk at work to hide from the outside world, I’ve forced myself to put pen to paper and list all the ways in which I am grateful. This morning, as I was coming into work, I had this moment whereby these intense emotions and grief overcame me. I had a thoughtful, engaging conversation with a colleague, which lifted me up. It reminded me of the beauty inside, the greatness that is in my life and removed the dark feelings that I came to work with just prior to the conversation.

Afterwards, I took a moment to write a gratitude list so I could capture the uplifted feelings I had and serve as a reminder that even in my darkest moments, I can find gratitude for what is in my life rather than what is not in my life, to move from a place of inadequacy to fulfillment.

Today, I am grateful for…

1. Having the privilege to work with talented, passionate colleagues who engage in reflective, thoughtful conversations.
2. People in my life who allow me to be vulnerable and support my authentic self.
3. The ability to be self-reflective and look inward to find perspective and meaning in my life.
4. Painful and challenging experiences, which have invited me to be brave and willing to grow and change into the amazing and beautiful woman I am capable of becoming.
5. The love that is within me to provide care and love for myself, even in my darkest moments.

Finding gratitude in our darkest moments is a process, it takes practice to truly feel the full effect and recognize how it can shift your mind from feelings of inadequacy to feelings of fulfillment. By taking a moment and finding gratitude, we can begin to open ourselves up to the great wonders of this life, to feel powerful when all is lost (or thought to be lost). We begin to see the glass half full, rather than half empty. I always hated that saying, maybe ‘cause I wasn’t practicing gratitude. And now that I am, I can begin to see the shimmer of light down this dark tunnel of life that I feel like I’m walking down right now.

Next time you’re in a moment of darkness, stop, look, listen to the brave, loving voice inside you, and write 5 things that you’re grateful for in that moment. Take note of the shift in perspective and feel a little bit lighter.

“Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Gratitude By Melody Beattie

Looking Within

“Your vision becomes clear when you look inside your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.”

― Carl Jung

It’s been a full week of yoga school and diving into this new phase of my life. Much of it has been about self-exploration, challenging my body and mind to go to new places, and opening my heart to my inner self. Today during my yoga class our teacher, Astrud, shared the quote above. Today is the Fall Equinox, and as we know during fall the days get shorter and the darkness of the night sets in early and lasts longer. For some, it can be a time of loss, losing the summer months, the sunshine, the longer days. What’s really beautiful about this time is that it’s a time to look within. To pause and take a moment with the self, taking inventory of the past year or years and what has brought you to this moment. Astrud said something that resonated for me, “When one door closes another one opens. There’s also a hallway in between. The challenge is for us to stay in the hallway long enough so we are prepared to walk through that next open door.” Standing in the hallway is a challenge for me certainly. It means having patience, waiting, sitting with myself long enough to allow healing to take place, to allow the inner wisdom to absorb the lesson that life has presented to me. It’s much easier to just move on to the next open door and forget about that door that closed. In thinking about this, when we don’t stand in the hallway of our life long enough, the next door that opens will be a longer hallway than the last. And then, we will have miles of hallway to stand and walk down, forcing us to sit long enough with ourselves to awaken to our true self. This journey of yoga school is just that for me. It’s a time to look within, and allow my true self to awaken. To embrace both the light and the dark. To be in cocoon long enough for the butterfly to unravel and fly.

Getting Lost…or Just Finding a New Path

This past weekend I went hiking with a good friend of mine. It was a great way for both of us to get outdoors, get some fresh air, and get both our minds off of our recent painful events that have occurred in our lives. I decided I wanted to go to one of the hiking spots that has been on my SF bucklist for a while and was on another bucklist I has with “he who shall not be named”.

This period of time for me is a time of reclaiming. It’s reclaiming the inner Keegan, and getting back to who I am and spreading those butterfly wings. I’ve been a caterpillar for awhile, churning and spinning through my journey of self-exploration to cocoon and unfold into the beautiful butterfly that I was meant to be. I’m being invited to be the caring, patient, loving, kind woman I have been creating within myself, yet it has been clouded with the drama of life and the unhealed trauma that I’ve experienced. This is my time to shed and where the healing process begins. And so going on this hiking adventure was one of the ways I was reclaiming myself.

 

Of course, I didn’t print a map and all the directions had said, “make sure to print a map if you are unfamiliar with the area”. I waved this suggestion away thinking “pashaw, I got this, how difficult could it be to navigate these trails?!” You see, I had always relied on others to guide me on hiking treks previously, so this was my first time being the host. And I failed at my first attempt by not printing out a map! Well, we arrived to Mt. Tam and it was turning out to be a beautiful day. The sun was shining and the fog was clearing just in time for us to start our trek. I did enough research to know where to park and what trail might work the best for us, but wasn’t exactly sure where the trail would take us. As we wandered to try to find a trail to pick up, we decided to start on one right in front of us and followed that to the trail I had intended us to take. It turned out to be a great hike, taking us all the way to the top and to the mountain theater where we got to see grand views of the bay, glimpses of the city enveloped in fog, and a peek of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Mt. Tam Mountain Theater

We ate a delicious little lunch and took lots of selfies to capture the moment of our adventure. It was time to head back so we turned back around and headed on the same trail that we took in. During this hike, both me and my friend lamented about our current troubles and frustrations with where our lives had brought us. We ranted about our dealings with confusing relationship endings and wishing things were different. Sure enough our talking led us somewhere unfamiliar and it came to be that we were lost in the woods. We kept following the trail, however it wasn’t the same trail that we took in. I began to panic slightly as I knew there were many, many different trails all leading in many different directions. The only thought I had was, “will we ever get out of here?!” and “at least I still have half a sandwich left if we do end up being stuck” (I am always thinking about my next meal!). We tried pulling up the map on our phones yet reception was bad (surprise, surprise). We asked fellow hikers who ended up speaking little English what trail they were on and where they came from, all returned us with a blank stare as a response. Finally, we came upon a trail that seemed to lead us back the way we came, so we took it, without knowing of course the generous trek it would become. Let’s just say we got a nice Brazilian booty workout from the over 200 stairs up we took to make our way out of the woods and that was just part of the strenuous trek out. Needless to say, in the whole time we were “lost”, we stopped agonizingly talking about our troubles and began to focus on how the heck we were going to get out of these woods. We focused our time and energy on what trail would be the best and thinking of solutions to get back to where we parked. Sure enough, we made our way out. It was a 5-hour journey and who knows how many miles (my guess is about 9 or 10 miles hiked), but we laughed at how the adventure had unfolded. I kept saying on our way out, “we’re not lost, we are just finding a new path back”.

Often times I have felt lost in my life. I feel a little lost right now and feel like my sense of direction has been flipped upside down. And when this happens, I tend to freak out and wonder “how will I ever get out of this?” and “why can’t I just get back on the path I was on before”. Well, life is interesting and has some twists and turns, curveballs and u-turns. And if we can have the perspective of “we’re not lost, we are just finding a new path back” I wonder what may be able to unfold before us. While my body certainly hates the time I spent this weekend on that 5-hour journey, my mind made a connection I wasn’t quite able to make before. I’m not lost, I’m just finding a new path.

Seeing the Light Shine Through the Cracks

A few months ago I signed up for a yoga teacher training. After my #30daysofyoga challenge last year, I was able to experience the powerful transformation that yoga created for and within me. I did this challenge after a traumatic experience in my work life and it helped me build perspective, look within, and reconnect with my inner strength. After talking with a few friends who have done yoga teacher trainings and hearing how transformational this experience was for them, I decided that it was something I wanted to do as well. In preparation for the training, which begins in early September, I have many pages of readings to complete, all of which could have come at no better of a time. One in particular that I read recently was about mindfulness through healing the heart. “Our hearts grow strong at the broken places…When we truly come to terms with sorrow, a great unshakeable joy is born in our heart.”. I’ve experienced a lot of heartache in my life and all too recently I am experiencing it yet again. The sudden, abrupt end to a long-term relationship has invited me to come face-to-face with the pain and sorrow of the past and all of which that has lived deep within me. I thought I healed my past and I’ve realized that instead I covered it up. I found a blanket in life to cover this pain. The blanket felt warm and fuzzy, but the painful experiences of growing up in a family of addicts and alcoholics alongside a series of abandonment and disappointments still remained in the fabric of how I viewed and experienced the world around me, it still does now. I have realized that we will continue to repeat the history of our past and of our parents unless we look deep within and can begin to change the course of our life through healing, self-love and forgiveness. It is only through healing my past that I can truly and fully become the person I am meant to be and see joy in all aspects of my life, both darkness and light. Heartache is like a crack throughout one’s whole existence. It is only through the cracks that we can the light. And in this most recent crack, I’m beginning to see my own light, to draw upon my resilient spirit to know that I will have the courage to face this next phase of my life. I am ready to completely heal the past so I can build my future. I’ve never been more aware and ready to do this until now. I’ve never felt my inner strength quite like I do now—to come face-to-face with my history and truly begin to heal, to let go, to forgive.

It’s funny how things unfold in life. Who knew that I would experience such a life-altering event and have a transformational experience lined up to allow me to find the means to build myself back up? Somehow, someway I am being taken care of and am beginning the journey of truly healing thyself, self-love, and letting go of the past.

Letting Go

Heart is at the Matter for Social Justice

It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted something, but recently have been compelled to write. During my daily drive, I’ve been listening to podcasts which has been a breath of fresh air from the scanning through radio stations for lively music or playing some of my own music, or listening to what is usually quality public radio. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my time in the car (even though I definitely do miss my public transportation days) and have been what you call a little bit of a podcast junkie. I recently listened to an episode on RadioLab, which focused on the world of hip-hop and a particular radio show host intersecting with race and gender.

 RadioLab Podcast Episode: Straight Outta Chevy Chase

What resonated with me is this idea of “are you in or are you out?” Are you enough to be a part of the community? What are your credentials and who are? I have often had these feelings, got these looks, and even got these comments in my work in higher education, as a social justice educator, and as a senior-level administrator/manager who is a woman. In my social justice work, I often wonder if I am enough, especially given that I am white and given that my ancestors and my race has oppressed and marginalized people throughout history and still today, what expert can I be on social justice? When listening to this podcast, it reminded me of the complexity of the intersection of race and gender alongside art expression (hang in there toward the end of the podcast to hear the real good stuff). Towards the end, what stood out to me was this line from Ali Shaheed Muhammad of A Tribe Called Quest, “What qualifies you? It’s the heart.”

As I was driving, I shook my head and this affirmed for me why I continue to do my work in social justice. My heart is in it. I am passionate about creating more moments of inclusion and community; to create a world that is compassionate and more equitable. In doing this, I also need to look within continuously. To look at the ways my own privilege shows up and intersects in working within and across difference in my own community. We all have moments of feeling like we’re on the outside looking in. Yet we forget about that fact when we are the ones looking out at those trying to be or get in. Heart is at the matter and we all have the potential to open our hearts a little more and deepen our passion for something greater.

 

Liberation Quote